She was sitting behind the wheel of her SUV driving extremely close to my bumper, honking her horn and waving her arms at me like an angry monkey. I’m guessing she felt as though I cut her off from her self entitled lane and I wasn’t moving fast enough. Instead of increasing my speed or changing lanes to appease her tantrum, road rage commanded that I slam my brakes hard, forcing her to either back off of my bumper or become a hockey puck between two vehicles. It could have been a very costly reaction sparked by my hormone induced anger and irritability. Fortunately, the only damage caused by my road rage was confined to me. My heart rate increased and tension shot throughout my body.
The scariest thing about the incident was; I didn’t care nor did it scare me to think about the potential consequences of what could have happened. My anger and irritability are bigger than me right now. I feel as though I am at the mercy of my hormones. They are controlling me like a remote controller controls an electronic device. I’m tired, irritable, angry, apathetic, antisocial, internally weepy, fat and ugly... basically, pathetic!
I cannot navigate my whacked up hormones without the help of the one who gave them and the one who can take them away. I need physical, mental, emotional and spiritual support. I have lived with the challenges brought on by the bipolar beast my whole life but I think the hormonal beast is going to pose some new ones. I sometimes wonder which beast is the more powerful and which one is going to win in the end.
Ultimately, God is going to win. It’s hard for me to truly grasp His promises when I’m in the throes of a hormonal storm. Whether it be mental, physical, emotional or spiritual, I want to learn to lean into Him. God uses many different vessels to carry His message but the most powerful vessel is His word. I’ve been living in a frenzied state for quite some time now. Not once have I sought counsel from His word, rather I have avoided it. I’m unsure as to why. God’s word states in James 1:2-4 MSG.
2-4 Consider it a sheer gift, friends, when tests and challenges come at you from all sides. You know that under pressure, your faith-life is forced into the open and shows its true colors. So don’t try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed, not deficient in any way.